An Improvised Script: In Pour Taste #3

It's back! The post you've all been waiting for. IN POUR TASTE!!!!!

This week's post is in part, thanks to one Mr. Rory Barton. He donated the drink in question for JvL to review. On a personal note, I have never felt so close to death when reviewing a drink, so Kudos to Rory for nearly killing me.

So as stipulated before, I will review the different aspects of the drink and then at the end will reveal what it is.

The Look

A hazy caramel visage with noticeable lack of bubbles caused by carbonation of such a beverage. The glass is cloudy, like an elegant velvet curtain of sensuous Dark Amber.

Reminds me of: Sipping "The Godfather's" home-made closet wine, freshman year of college. Naughty yet burn inducing.

The Nose

Slight hints of apple and antifreeze tickle the nasal cavity. You are then overwhelmed by the scent of over-ripe grape with an indistinguishable woody note, leaving you with more questions than answers.

Reminds me of: Being stuffed into a cedar closet after a thorough dousing of the contents of my cousin's juice box.

Mouth Feel

Having observed the lack of carbonation upon the first pour, you are surprised by the explosion of bubbles upon contact with the tongue. Most of the liquid quickly evaporates creating a pocket of CO2 gas forcing the top of the mouth open in a premature burp. It seems that the drink continues to ferment whilst in the mouth which makes the beverage light and airy.

Reminds me of: Being on a date with your high school crush and desperately trying to hold back a fruity milk fart.

The Taste

An insightful pairing of whole grain and decomposing apple wash gently over the tongue. As the pain of extreme carbonation in the mouth subsides, a grassy, cactus needle flavor coats the back of the throat inducing coughing. An extreme expression of multi-layered flavors.

Reminds me of: Reliving horrible repressed memories while under a cider induced sedation.

Afterthoughts

It can honestly be said that the creators of this beverage have thrown tradition to the wind. Normally this reviewer would be completely behind thumbing one's nose at convention. However the problem is that in order to buck a convention, one needs to actually have a grasp of the original process of creation. I believe this whole experience is a scintillating taste of what the brain of a lunatic might feel like in your mouth.

What circle of Hell did you crawl out of?

Recommendation

That's Russian for BEER!

The Baltic (Russian) Lager "Zhiguljoskoje" is many things. Unpronounceable, Illogical, Defiant of definition. The utter revulsion that one feels just by smelling it, is matched only by its vomit inducing taste. However at its current price point (less than $3 for a 1 liter plastic bottle), it is sure to be a hit with the taste-dead frat boy crowd. It also may find new life as an emetic for those of us lucky enough to drink paint thinner or Hemlock (both of which would taste better than this "lager"). Try at your own risk, or buy it as a gag gift (pun intended) for that friend who feels that "Edward 40 Hands" is a child's game.