SAD2012 #'s 35, 36, 37, 38, 39

Fatherly Advice

Recently there was an article about the Catholic Church's response to Rick Santorum and New Gingrich's (both confirmed practicing Catholics) statements and stand on the poor. The church asked that both candidates change their stance since it goes against the core tenets of the Catholic faith. I wrote a sketch for 4 people that demonstrates what happened in that meeting of the heads of the Catholic Church.

Pastoral Qualities

This is a full cast scene with a pastor leading a talk back portion of a service and his choir echoing his sentiments. However the choir begins to reveal some dark secrets about the pastor and ultimately leads him to cut his homily short.

Something Borrowed B.O.

With the California ruling of Prop 8 being overturned, I thought it would be fun to see what the conversation between a mother and her gay son would look like. This 2 person blackout explores this topic.

Mutual of Omaha's Unemployed America

You know when you're sitting up late in your parents' basement, contemplating eating that taco bell you've foolishly bought? You get that feeling you're being watched. Well this scene shows that your parents are documenting your failure minute by minute. How will their experiment turn out? Find out in this 3 person scene.

Quatto? B.O.

A quick blackout that has a 2 person cast. Someone has obviously done something horrible, and her friend tries to figure it out. Something has come out of her friend's nose! WHAT IS IT?

Reboot

Where do all the movie psychos go when their franchises lose steam? Frank's bar is the place. Luckily for Frank there's been a resurgence of slasher films and he's the guy to send the killers back into the fray. Bring it on! Full Cast.

SAD2012 #'s 30, 31, 32, 33, & 34

Perfect Candidate B.O.

This 2 person blackout has 2 doctors constructing the perfect candidate for a conservative president. Topical! A first for me. It goes where you expect it to go.

Grampy's Bucket List

What if your grandparent asked for your help in fulfilling their bucket list. Now what if you couldn't do so because it would be morally wrong? This 2 person sketch looks into the intricacies of the moral dilemma of the elderly. Oh and of course, extended marriages!

Good Little Pooper B.O.

Don't you hate when someone in your life still treats you like a baby? Well these two gentlemen have that problem and one is fed up! Simple, clean, blackout!

All-Father's Family

What if Odin, the All-Father, head god of Norse Mythology had to come home to a family life in Asgard? This sketch looks into that premise. His misbehaving children, his doting wife, and his inability to even take one bite of dinner. Follow their zany antics as they try to co-exist in the hall of heaven!

Invisible Ulterior Motives

This one came out of watching the "Lumberjack Sketch" by Monty Python. In this scene, the Invisible Man has to say goodbye to his faithful fiance. However he is not all he seems. The button joke for the end is extended a bit as I riff on the Lumberjack Sketch a bit.

Caught up!

SAD2012 #'s 27, 28, 29

Bear-ied Memories

I guess I have a weird relationship with my stuffed animals. This is a 2 person scene which runs on the premise, what if your stuffed animals were real and could describe their feelings to you. How depraved would they be? Find out!

Predestined Comeuppance

This 2 person scene starts out like any encounter you might have on a Chicago street corner. Homeless woman stops you and asks if you're the chosen one, you say you're not, she asks for your information, you are chosen! I write what I know, and the world's fate apparently is only known by hoarse homeless women!

Teacher's Pet Blackout

When a person asks you to tell a story you're not comfortable telling, what do you do? What if this person is your teacher? Little Stephan finds out when show and tell goes horribly wrong!

SAD2012 continues in the wake of Susan G. Komen Foundations wonderful move to pull funding from Planned Parenthood, which helps to give free cancer screenings to women. As we all know, the Komen Foundation is one of the leading advocates of Breast, Ovarian, and other wonderful cancers!

Hooray!!

JvL

SAD2012 #'s 25 & 26

Gender Bias

This is a runner for a show where maybe stereotypes have been running out of control. The scene starts out with what one character thinks they sound and appear like, then there is a light shift and we replay the scene with what the other character actually observed. Set of three that heighten and expand! 2 person scene.

Can We Break the Palate Barrier

Sitting at the bar I noticed how segregated the liquors were. Then I thought, what would happen if you took a liquor that no one EVER orders like Aquavit and put it in a situation where it has to watch its neighbors constantly being ordered over and over. How would they cope? Find out here. 6 person sketch.

The Backlog SAD2012 #'s 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, & 24

I've been a busy boy.

I have been keeping up with my sketch a day, but have not been posting because of developments in my personal and professional lives. The biggest of these was my 7 year anniversary with the lovely lady who dares to put up with me. I thank her for her patience, understanding, and lack of laughter whenever I present something funny to her.

However this post is about my sketches for the last 6 days. Here goes:

Simu-date

This sketch (although it could be an extended blackout) is a thinly veiled infomercial for a futuristic dating service. However, the date in question during this infomercial doesn't go as planned for the dater. It came out of a paranoid dream I had years ago before I became entwined with my current amazing lady. Dating was always scary for a dork such as myself. This sketch explains why. 3 person sketch (1 a narrator).

Stage Fright

This 2 person meta-sketch I feel would take place in the middle of the show or the middle of act 2. Basically two of the company are onstage waiting. They talk about the fact that the script isn't done yet for their scene and the writers are working furiously backstage. This obviously stresses them out because they're already onstage during the show in front of an audience. The conflict is resolved when the new pages are rushed out. Hopefully a funny ending to an awkward sketch.

Will To Survive

I have been watching re-runs of Suvivorman on Netflix all week and was intrigued by a show where 1 person puts themselves into hostile survival situations and only has themselves to film their ordeal, unlike that pussy Bear Grylls who has an entire crew and sleeps in hotels during the shoot. I decided to have my survivor person holed up in one of the most dangerous places of all, a mall. This would have to be a video sketch but a full length one. I found myself pondering over video sketches this week and feel I should try to write more. It's essentially a 1 person sketch with cameos.

Tassel Tornado

Since my fiance is a burlesque dancer, I have been introduced to that world quite suddenly in the past year. One of the pitfalls these ladies run into is as they are dancing, a pastie may fly off and leave them exposed. Also some ladies cannot spin tasseled pasties, therefore this sketch provides a solution to both those problems. I see this as a video piece as well. It is based around a narrator speaking to our lovely dancer and she shows off the new tassel pasties that have been brought to the consumer market: The Tassel Tornado. Unfortunately there are some gruesome results for an unlucky audience member. 3 person video sketch.

I Can't Believe It's Not Brains

This is a short blackout. 3 zombies chewing on a corpse when one of them realizes it's not real brains. I was inspired by a Far Side comic with the Tofu Antelope. 4 person scene.

Speed Reading Symphony

Another black out with a short sweet premise. What would happen if a pianist walked out onstage and played an entire symphony meant for those of us lucky enough to have taken speed reading courses. Based off a premise of a Robin Williams joke from the 70's. 1 person scene.

Well that's all of them and I'm now caught up for the week. Tomorrow I work on #25 for this year. Hopefully it's a good one.

Also RB and I are currently trying to work out a monthly staged reading of our best work from each month. Please let us know if you would be interested in hearing this/ know anyone who would be interested.

JvL

SAD2012 #18 The Perfect Child

The Perfect Child

This sketch is I believe, a predictor of our near future. A mother and a father want the best for their unborn child, so they consult with two of the finest human mechanics (nee doctors) in all the land. It follows the track of a conversation most likely heard around the local Jiffy Lube or car dealership. Still a nice 4 person scene for the cast to jump into.

Also. I realized today that I am now, with this sketch done 2 behind. I apologize for the delay and will be working to rectify that in the coming day.

SAD2012 #17 PSA

PSA

I don't know if this one counts as a true written sketch. The entirety of the writing is stage direction. The punchline has to do with the fact that NOTHING is said during the entire time the person is on stage. I don't know. It feels like a cop out, but I did write out all the stage directions. Lazy?

SAD2012 #'s 13, 14, 15, & 16 I had a bad weekend ok?

Sorry for the delay. The weekend was long and full and the blog post went to the wayside. I however did manage to write a sketch for each day and will post descriptions here.

Also, this is not final yet, but I am in talks with RB and a theater space to hold a monthly reading of our best sketches from that month. Hopefully we can pull this off, but it may take until February to do so. I'll keep you posted. Here are the sketches.

#13 Diamonds Are a Clerk's Best Friend

Everyone is down on their luck financially, but before this recession hit us hard we still has professional burglars. This scene examines what happens when a burglar loses himself in a department store and has a life changing moment of clarity. The clerk in question doesn't know whether to scream or to upsell. Truly a conundrum for the ages. This came out of my thoughts on the strangest day my fiance ever had working at the jewelery counter at Filenes Basement. Hopefully this 2 person scene with a cameo for the button line will both tug at your heart strings and your vocal chords in a laughing fashion.

#14 Overcrowded Job Market

This little gem came to me in a dream, literally. I was being chased by an Assassin who kept having to stop and take phone calls or pick up groceries, basically he was being inconvenienced the entire dream. Much to my benefit. In this scene, the unsuspecting Mr. Potts has had a contract taken out on his life, and our Assassin is about to fulfill that contract. However an unexpected turn of events brings the realization that maybe the Assassin gig is a little too glamorous and full. Too many cooks in the kitchen if you catch my drift. With an ending that is sure to leave you either laughing or disgusted, I give you a full cast 6 person scene: "Overcrowded job market."

#15 The Mustache Says...

Like all red blooded Americans, I think that the Hipster lifestyle is a cult of the overprivleged. In that regard, I wondered who would be the head of this Church of the Ironic. Then it hit me. The man (or woman) with the most luxurious, grandest, silkiest mustache. This scene revolves around some new decrees from the all powerful mustache that seem to go a little farther than normal. We also get to see who is truly behind the mustache and therefore behind the Hipster movement. A chilling realization that makes this whole cast scene truly eye-opening.

#16 Over My Father-in-Law's Head

I have always enjoyed sketches and scenes where the line one character says is taken literally by another. And in doing so, the second "literal" character analyzes every possible outcome quickly and lands on the facet of the words which puts the original speaker in a glaring light of awkwardness. Ok, those sentences made little sense, but let's look at a sample from one of my favorite sketches of this type, "The Great Train Robbery" by the lads of Beyond the Fringe (Alan Bennett, Johnathan Miller, Peter Cook & Dudley Moore): 

ALAN

I think you have made that point quite clear, Sir Arthur. Who do you feel may have perpetrated this crime?

SIR ARTHUR GAPPY

We believe this to be the work of thieves. The whole pattern is extremely reminiscent of past robberies where we have found thieves involved. The tell-tall loss of property, the snatching of money substances. It all points to thieves.

ALAN

So you feel that thieves are responsible.

SIR ARTHUR GAPPY

Good Heavens, no. I feel that thieves are totally irresponsible. Ghastly people who go around snatching your money.

ALAN

I appreciate that, Sir Arthur...

SIR ARTHUR GAPPY

You may appreciate that, but most people don’t. If you like having your money snatched, good luck to you. Must be a rather queer fish in my view.

I set my new scene with a nervous young man asking his soon to be Father-in-Law for permission to marry his daughter. Hopefully this 2 person scene will leave you rolling in the aisles like "The Great Train Robbery" did.

Now that puts me back on track with the Sketch a Day. Tomorrow is of course Tuesday which means an all new "In Pour Taste" is coming down the pike. I hope you enjoy it. Also tell your friends about the Sketch a Day 2012 project. I hope to have an audience for our first reading and if others want to submit to the next one, we'd be willing to look into it!!!

Thanks!

JvL

SAD2012 #12 Accusations Don't Phase Me

Accusations Don't Phase Me

After a long day of again (cue the broken record) job searching, I trudged through the snow and came to my Annoyance Theater Internship. While here I was promptly berated by "customers" who were upset that the snow had not canceled the show or deterred multiple patrons from attending. I guess the term Sold Out does not apply to Yuppies with severe entitlement issues. So I wrote a quick blackout while on company time that starts en medias res. A man is defending his way of life and his rights as a human. However the arena he has chosen probably is the incorrect venue for his arguments.

SAD2012 #10 + 11 (Seaples Court & Life in the 2050's)

Seaple's Court

I have been watching past Shark Week documentaries on Netflix for the last few weeks. This inspired me to think like a shark would think. Especially if its private life had been invaded by humans. I give you Seaple's Court, the place where aquatic life take their abusers to court for their pound of flesh. A famous diver is today's defendant!

Life in the 2050's


We know that the women are slowly taking back power in this world. Well I for one am glad and wrote a classic scene parodying the 1950's relationship between family members with the roles slightly reversed. It's nice to see a powerful and funny role for a female performer. Most times I have found that writers tend to relegate the female to a more quiet or less funny role. I know too many funny women to not write a scene just for them to show off!

SAD2012 #9 The Twilight Avenger Rises?

The Twilight Avenger Rises?

You ever wonder if Frank Miller's Batman had a conversation with the original Robin before the events of the graphic Novel "The Dark Knight?" I did. So I did my spin on those events with blatant parody and completely see through characterizations. I would hope this makes the scene more accessible to an audience who may not be as engrossed in the Batman canon of literature. It's a two person scene with a lengthy offstage cameo. Maybe then it's a 3 person scene.

In Pour Taste #4

For this In Pour Taste I reviewed a drink that has a lovely back story. It was given to a friend of mine by his grandmother over 6 years ago. She has now passed on and so it is with a heavy heart that I review this loving gift from a thoughtful grandparent.

The Look

To begin, seeing a screw top on this bottle gave me a shiver through my spine. I knew it meant that this was crafted with extreme care and love. Once poured into the glass, the velvety chocolate body surprisingly does not cling to the sides when swirled. The liquid has a sheen only observed in oil slicks on tarmac, or newly varnished parquet flooring.

Not your Daddy's Chocolate Milk!

Reminds me of: a sea-borne oil spill near a septic plant.

The Nose

Obvious notes of chocolate and berries. Once the initial smell subsides, you then begin to find old grapefruit mixed with nail polish remover. Unexpected to say the least.

How best to stifle a sneeze!

Reminds me of: Visiting my aunt and uncle unexpectedly and being forced to sit in their kitchen as they "Tidy up."

The Mouth Feel

Warm clotted cream completely coats the entire mouth in a velvety blanket of warmth. Only as you surrender to this decadent sensation do you notice that your entire mouth is tingling like it has been stuck by millions of tiny Novocaine filled needles.

The lack of pants and the Threadless T-shirt scream classy!

Reminds me of: Gargling cherry flavored mouth wash with a mouth full of Hershey's Hugs.

The Taste

A fragrant bouquet of chocolate and red grapes is the first wave of flavor that hits you square in the face. What evolves is a distinct taste of leather, 3 month old candy corn, and spearmint Binaca breath spray. Refreshing and unexpected. Almost a chocolate Mentos "The Freshmaker" vibe.

I believe that's facial expression for "DAMN THAT'S TASTY!"

Reminds me of: Melting cherry fudge on top of an electric carving knife in my mouth.

Afterthoughts

Another satisfied customer.

Having sampled a "fresh" version of this beverage a few years ago, I felt marginally prepared for a more "mature" vintage. As this drink was manufactured in the country of my grandfather, I felt a bit of civic pride pressing the glass to my lips. This chocolaty malfeasance is addictive to the uninitiated with a subtle hand leading to intense intoxication. The 6 year old cream in this concoction also might have an influence on it's interesting palate and effects. I however would not risk more upper chest pain from drinking this draught from hell. I leave it to the Dutch who designed it.

Speechless

Recommendation

ChocoVine

ChocoVine is the latest in a large explosion of Dutch Chocolate Wines. I feel it should be marketed toward the under utilized 13-17 year old market. Those that love their chocolate Yoohoo drinks but have not developed the palate for a good red wine. It is with this information that I instruct the entire Mormon population of the United States to imbibe this drink to gain better understanding of their more learned wine drinking peers.

Just like Grandma used to drink!

Enjoy a good dram and all will be well. Gezondheid!

JvL

SAD2012 #'s 7+8 (Rappin Ronny & Closing Time)

Rappin Ronny

This is more of a sight gag blackout than anything else. Basically I have an actor onstage in headphones rocking out to something the audience can't hear. Once they realize there is an audience watching them, they sheepishly offer their headphones to the audience. Once this happens the joke is made by what plays over the loudspeakers. It's not what you might think. I'll have to leave you at that or else you'll know the whole bit.

Closing Time


For this sketch I took what I had seen in my dreams the night before and decided to give them voices. Our main character needs to have a talk with some of his closest friends. He needs to end their relationship so he can move on with his life. Hilarious stuff I know. However when you find out who his friends are, you might just understand why he's having such a hard time leaving. The ending turned a bit sappy but thanks to some quick thinking by my lovely fiance, it morphed into a nice button on the scene. I will say though, it came out to 5 pages in my notebook, so should I want to perform the piece, it will need some revising. HEAVY REVISING.



Also on my mind today, the fact that my bathroom is now an Aperture Laboratories Science Lab thanks to some wonderful decoration on the part of said fiance. My only concern is that since the toilet seat cover is orange and the bath mat is blue, I may end up with things on the bathroom ceiling and walls that were not meant to be there in the first place. Ah but all in the name of SCIENCE!!!

Coming soon (i.e. Tuesday night) The next "In Pour Taste" where I continue my quest to drink every liquid inside and outside my apartment. I was informed however that the post on this intoxicating liquid Drain-O will have to be postponed due to my inability to stay conscious during the tasting phase.

Also if any of my readers have anything they'd like me to taste and review, please send me an email, leave a comment, or just find me on the street and shove it into my hands while screaming "The End Times Are Upon Us!" like my good friend Rory did last week.

SAD2012 #6 - One Huge Dinamitazo

One Huge Dinamitazo

This one came down to how much time do I really have to write today. I wrote an extended blackout about two men who are defusing a bomb when communication breaks down. It's not the most original joke, but it's an original take on a classic premise...I hope.

SAD2012 #5 - He Walks Among Us

He Walks Among Us

I was inspired by the recent birth of my fiance's new niece. I wondered about the type of people who would hang out in the nursery window of the Maternity ward. Naturally my thoughts raced to Jesus, whom some believe is always with us. What would happen if someone came upon him staring in the nursery window. What would their reaction be? And what would Jesus be standing at that particular Maternity Ward for? Many questions and some dark answers. If there is one thing I've taken away from this process, I find dark and uncomfortable situations funny, and haven't learned to trust myself with lighter fare yet.

SAD2012 #'s 3 & 4 (Cool Cats & Kitchen Nightmares) And I'm finally caught back up

So after procrastinating for 2 days I caught back up on my Sketch a Day progress. By day 4 I now have 4 sketches written. Here is a little about them.

Cool Cats

This is a treatise on what your cat(s) are actually thinking about you, if they even think of you at all. I was inspired my my cat Poe who sat for most of the morning staring at me, barely moving. I didn't know whether she thought I was food, or a plaything. In this scene We find out that as owners, we may know a bit more than we think about our cat's thought process.

Kitchen Nightmares

The basic premise was, what if a cooking show was hosted by Jeffrey Dahmer. It spooled out from there. Having been unemployed now for about a month, I've had some time to watch PBS cooking shows on a regular basis and was inspired by Steven Raichlen the BBQ Professor. This in some ways is an homage to him.

Hopefully from now on I will stick to 1 sketch per day, but who knows. If you would like to see the scripts for these sketches, feel free to leave me a comment on here and I we can work something out.

SAD2012 #'s 1 & 2 (Jeff's Last Wishes & Backstage Lives)

Jeff's Last Wishes

I wrote about a backwoods hillbilly's video last will and testament. I was trying to write a scene that would hold attention with mostly a long monologue. I've been wanting to work with monologue scenes for a while to expand my joke writing. However the jokes in this scene come mostly from the quick changes on the video tape. Let's hope I stray a bit from stereotypes from now on.

Backstage Lives

I wrote about two women who are having a normal conversation between two mothers who aren't exactly "normal." I was thinking that I write a lot of scenes where male characters get the majority of the fun lines and funny premises. I also wanted to do a take on one of my favorite Monty Python Sketches where the two judges are discussing their day while taking off their robes to reveal they're in ladies underwear. I tried to write the dialogue as real a possible so that the reveal at the end is more fun.

Sketch A Day 2012

So I was talking with my good friend RB about how we had fallen behind in our writing and wanted to refresh ourselves with a challenge. He asked "What about a sketch a day for the year of 2012?" I responded "One last hurrah before we die a horrible messy Mayan death?" He didn't laugh as hard as I thought he would. However I agreed.

I fell behind immediately and have now tried to catch up a bit.

There will be daily posts about the basic premise of the sketch that I have written (stealing from RB's blog http://cattlegrazing.blogspot.com/ ) I hope you enjoy my little ramblings and if you would like to see the script for any of the sketches, please feel free to email me and ask. Coming up next.......

In Pour Taste #3

It's back! The post you've all been waiting for. IN POUR TASTE!!!!!

This week's post is in part, thanks to one Mr. Rory Barton. He donated the drink in question for JvL to review. On a personal note, I have never felt so close to death when reviewing a drink, so Kudos to Rory for nearly killing me.

So as stipulated before, I will review the different aspects of the drink and then at the end will reveal what it is.

The Look 

A hazy caramel visage with noticeable lack of bubbles caused by carbonation of such a beverage. The glass is cloudy, like an elegant velvet curtain of sensuous Dark Amber.

 Reminds me of: Sipping "The Godfather's" home-made closet wine, freshman year of college. Naughty yet burn inducing.


The Nose

Slight hints of apple and antifreeze tickle the nasal cavity. You are then overwhelmed by the scent of over-ripe grape with an indistinguishable woody note, leaving you with more questions than answers.

 Reminds me of: Being stuffed into a cedar closet after a thorough dousing of the contents of my cousin's juice box.


Mouth Feel

Having observed the lack of carbonation upon the first pour, you are surprised by the explosion of bubbles upon contact with the tongue. Most of the liquid quickly evaporates creating a pocket of CO2 gas forcing the top of the mouth open in a premature burp. It seems that the drink continues to ferment whilst in the mouth which makes the beverage light and airy.

Reminds me of: Being on a date with your high school crush and desperately trying to hold back a fruity milk fart.


The Taste 

An insightful pairing of whole grain and decomposing apple wash gently over the tongue. As the pain of extreme carbonation in the mouth subsides, a grassy, cactus needle flavor coats the back of the throat inducing coughing. An extreme expression of multi-layered flavors.

Reminds me of: Reliving horrible repressed memories while under a cider induced sedation.


 Afterthoughts

It can honestly be said that the creators of this beverage have thrown tradition to the wind. Normally this reviewer would be completely behind thumbing one's nose at convention. However the problem is that in order to buck a convention, one needs to actually have a grasp of the original process of creation. I believe this whole experience is a scintillating taste of what the brain of a lunatic might feel like in your mouth.

What circle of Hell did you crawl out of?

Recommendation

That's Russian for BEER!

The Baltic (Russian) Lager "Zhiguljoskoje" is many things. Unpronounceable, Illogical, Defiant of definition. The utter revulsion that one feels just by smelling it, is matched only by its vomit inducing taste. However at its current price point (less than $3 for a 1 liter plastic bottle), it is sure to be a hit with the taste-dead frat boy crowd.  It also may find new life as an emetic for those of us lucky enough to drink paint thinner or Hemlock (both of which would taste better than this "lager"). Try at your own risk, or buy it as a gag gift (pun intended) for that friend who feels that "Edward 40 Hands" is a child's game.

Well until next time, enjoy one on me and Gezondheid!