Yule-Tidings from JvL & co.

Feel that Holiday Spirit!

And to all, a safe and fulfilling holiday weekend and season. Countdown to St. Patty's day begins!!!

~~JvL

Listings with a twist

Job searching can be excruciating work. Especially when you have so many ideas running through your head.

How are we going to afford rent next month? Should we move in with our parents to save money? Aren't you glad you talked me out of buying that terrible little Condo in the bad part of town?

Well I took a break this afternoon and came across some of the old house listings I had been reading. They inspired this post.

The setup is an email from a real-estate agent to super-villains. Enjoy!!

_______________________________________________________

From: “Faux & Foe Realty Solutions” sonotreal@F&FRealty.com

To: “John Smith” THEarchvillain@twostepsahead.org

Sent: Fri, October 13, 2010 6:66 am

Subject: Possible Secondary Locations

John,

I know we’ve had a hard time getting you into suitable piece of property and I apologize for any lack of due diligence on our part. Your minions made your point of view quite clear by “redecorating” our offices so nicely. I always thought our downtown location would look infinitely better engulfed in flames.

            However I have a wonderful surprise for you. I realize you abhor surprises and will probably order my “relocation” to Miskatonic University’s medical studies lab, but I beg you to please read the following papers. They contain possible secondary locations should your primary residence become compromised by ambitious do-gooders.

Address: 1313 Cemetery Lane, Cemetery Ridge, USA

Previous Owner: Gomez and Morticia Addams

Description: Large Victorian-style mansion located on 48-55 acres of land (depending on whether the swamp has reappeared). This 27 room, 2 bathroom residence was recently re-sided with titanium alloy panels done in a faux wood finish. This feature was installed by the previous tenant after an unfortunate cannonball accident created the 27^th room and now walls are durable enough to resist the blast of a tiny to moderate nuclear bomb. Dilapidated condition masks old world charm. Comes pre-furnished with museum-quality furniture and various horrific artifacts and experiments.

Features:  

·         Haunted attic space for laboratory or Zeppelin dock.

·         Secluded personal cemetery with built in altar (Perfect for arcane and necromantic rituals).

·         Original Appliances.

·         Barren earth décor screams “Stay off my property or die.”

·         Frankenstein butler negotiable.

Address: 1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, New York USA

Previous Owner: Charles Xavier

Description: Large Edwardian style manor on sprawling 150 acre plot in upstate New York. Family home for ten generations, was recently upgraded to a school. Solid granite and limestone walls extremely durable and upgradable. Slight combat damage due to constant forced entry attempts. Cozy northeast setting with scenic views of Hudson Valley Nuclear Power Plant. Handicap accessible.

Features:

·         Hidden underground complex complete with state of the art tactical nerve center.

·         Cerebro – a telepathy-enhancing supercomputer designed to find mutants, can be upgraded to further mind control abilities.

·         Olympic size, heated,  in ground swimming pool.

·         Enhanced SR-71 Blackbird stealth airplane, speed determined by necessity to plot.

·          Shi’ar alien enhanced security system unable to be hacked by any human means.

Address: 221B Baker Street, London, UK

Previous Owners: S. Holmes, Dr. J. Watson

Description: Located centrally in downtown London. Mid-18^th Century  6 room 3 bathroom Brownstone flat outfitted with modern conveniences. Multiple exits and windows onto back alleys and thoroughfares. Busy street with large groups of tourists for “losing yourself in the crowd.” Minor damage from grenade blast in the 1890’s and bullet holes in multiple rooms. Comes pre-furnished with Victoria era furniture, extensive library and notes on criminal activity, and secret supply of cocaine. Pilgrimage site for amateur detectives and other naïve passersby.

Features:

·         Sparkling reputation as “house of good deeds” which translates to no unauthorized visits from the local police.

·         Hot and Cold running water.

·         Scientific laboratory in upstairs bedroom perfect for late night experiments.

·         Minions’ quarters on the first floor for easy access to dustbins and sewer grates.

·         Extensive notes on police procedure and theory for use in evasion and trickery.

            I understand that these properties are not inherently evil or diabolical, but think of the irony in transforming these benign buildings into halls of deceit and villainy. Please contact me in the usual manner so that I can set up a viewing of these properties. I will need at least a week’s notice so that the previous tenants can be extracted from the premises.

            Thank you for patronizing Faux & Foe realty and we hope to have our main office up and running again in the coming months.

Sincerely,

Ray T. Fink

Ray T. Fink

A Return to Form

Laziness had swallowed me whole and my 9-5 job took away my need to express myself poorly.

At last I have shed myself of that horrid monetary necessity. Therefore, new posts will be forthcoming in the coming days and weeks both chronicling the comedy of errors that is job searching, and also providing a place for creativity to flourish.

Currently I am watching a documentary on how Beer is the invention of man that inspired every other invention in human kind. This is a definite skewed documentary, but that probably is because I'm three beers in myself playing the "How many times can the narrator say the word 'BEER' drinking game."

This may have been a bad idea.

In Pour Taste #2

Now I realize when I said weekly posting, I may have set the bar a little high. However if you will bear with me, we have a 2nd installment in our new feature:

In Pour Taste

I had planned to post on this new clear beverage I was introduced to the other weekend, but I feel that today's post would be better suited to something which advertises itself as a "Limited Edition" and "Available for a Short Time Only."

Again, the rules are as follows I will describe the sensory bouquet of the drink and then explain what it reminds me of.

Pour #2
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Look: When poured this liquid is almost oily. It has a deep indigo hue with a baby blue foam. The bubbles seem to hang in the liquid unable to escape, while the carbonation at the top takes on the consistency of cotton candy.

Reminds Me Of: The color of the mixing shampoos left behind on the floor of my shower in college. This was after my roommate and his girlfriend would "clean loudly" and knock all the bottles off the shelves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nose: Blunt citrusy note with a hint of children's cough syrup. There is an acrid after-smell of rotting brain cells and broken promises.

Reminds Me Of: Being punched in the face by a bully who just finished a fruit roll-up.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mouth Feel: Subtle bubbles coat the tongue as the heavy full weight of the liquid coats the inside of the mouth. Also a large air pocket forms under the tongue to shield it from a chemical bath.


Reminds Me Of: Play time in the shower with my good friends Suave and Lefty.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tasting Notes: At first glance you are overpowered by a mix of grapefruit and generic citrus. The moment your mouth adjusts you are swarmed by an overpowering faux grape flavor like that in children's cough syrup.  The finish is extremely sour like having a grape sour patch kid stuck in your teeth. 

Reminds Me Of: Fever dreams mixed with sour grapes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Afterthoughts: While the prospect of a large sour grape stone of pain in your stomach sounds good on paper, in practice it is taxing. A mix of extreme energy and intense exhaustion ebbs and flows. After a few moments you cannot help but burp, reliving the wondrous flavors in every crevice of your esophagus. hhhhaaaannnndddddssss    gegegeeeettttiinnnnnnnngggggg  jjjjjjiittttttterry.............
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reccomendation: Mountain Dew Pitch Black limited edition is not one to be missed. It is more complex than its anti-freeze colored cousin. Perfect compliment to any breakfast setting or late night snack. Also can be used in event of swallowing poison or activated charcoal. GET IT NOW!!!!!!!!

Enjoy Life! Gezondheid!

JvL

In Pour Taste #1

I bid you welcome to my new weekly segment where I review the latest and greatest beverages that I have discovered. Tastes and ingredients that inspire mind, body, and soul. As we know Taste is the second strongest trigger of memory and imagination (behind smell). Therefore I am not only going to describe the taste of the beverage in question, but what it makes me think of.

You will  not know the beverage in question until the end of the post, so please feel free to guess as we go along!

Pour #1

Look: The swirling chocolate noir mixes with the bright caramel colors as they barely coat the walls of the snifter. Very light in the glass, swirls exceedingly fast and now It's splashed on my new shirt!!!!

Reminds me of: A rusty bathtub after a thorough dash of CLR.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Nose: Off the top a sour and acidic note mixed with a metallic tinge. That may be from the 12 ounce aluminum can that I am pouring it out of. And now I am getting a hint of effervescence and carbonation...which just went up my nose.

Reminds me of:  Crab fishing off Cape Cod with my uncle who smelled of lemon juice and Alka-Seltzer.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Mouth Feel: Intense carbonation. I feel as if the enamel is being stripped off my teeth after every sip. Has a dual personality in the mouth, searing pain mixed with watery relief. Perhaps was once used as an oral numbing agent.

Reminds me of: Faking an epileptic shock on a dare by placing an antacid tablet under my tongue. But Sweeter
__________________________________________________________________________________

Tasting Notes: Tart, sweet (not Sweet-Tarts, those are gross) yet exceedingly bright on the tongue. I can definitely pick out the High Fructose Corn Syrup. As for the "Natural Flavors", they are shrouded by ever more sweetness and again carbonation. Metallic aftertaste.

Reminds me of: gnawing excitedly on sugar drenched electric guitar strings.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Afterthoughts: A refreshing beverage that doesn't fill you up even with the 140 calories per can. In fact I feel like I've drank nothing at all and need to workonthatmanuscriptI'vebeensecretelytyping........Whoa! Caffeine kicking in. Now I see the true potential of this unique beverage. Screw Taste, gimme more!!!!!!!

Recommendation: I feel Coca-Cola Classic Formula is perfect for sufferers of Attention Deficit Disorder, Sensitive Teeth, Diabetes, and High Blood Pressure. And upon further study, I see no ill effect to drinking it in mass quantities while engaging in quiet activities such as Funerals, Divorce Proceedings, or Lethal injections.

Enjoy Life! Gezondheid!

JvL

A Thought Occurs (A Listful Post)

So as we all came to realize, the Rapture didn't happen. This put my looting plans on ice, which is a bit depressing. I was hoping for that big TV I keep pining after in my neighbors' window. I know they would have been taken in the Alien Abduction....er Rapture because I always hear them yelling out to God in pleasure!

However since I don't have the opportunity to peruse my neighbors possessions, I knocked off a quick list to entertain myself (and hopefully you).

Things You'd Be Surprised to Find In Your Neighbor's Dresser

--Bus tickets to scenic Branson, Missouri
--A half used toothpaste tube
--A note from their mother with their name misspelled
--Speed 2 on Laserdisc
--Nazi silverware
--Your wife's missing engagement ring
--Atlantean gold
--Toenail clippings from their children from every year they've been alive
--The original negatives to the lost ending of "13 going on 30"
--A mysteriously stained Grand Dragon robe and cross
--Jimmy Hoffa
--Bathing ferrets
--The truth and nothing but the truth

And finally........

--MY VIRGINITY

The Madness Begins

I awoke from a fever dream 10 minutes ago (I have them often as I induce fevers by straining my neck muscles until they overheat) and thought...."I have a cache of written comedy and no place to store it all. I should start that blog I keep hearing so much about."

Well here it is, warts and all. I hope that I can inspire some laughter, or at least pity chuckling (I'm looking at you K). Please feel free to comment on my work and give some feedback. Who knows, I might even listen!

So sit back, relax, and move those eyeballs. There is so much more to come.....Oh and take your shoes off at the door to my mind. It's messy enough in there.