Yule-Tidings from JvL & co.

Feel that Holiday Spirit!

And to all, a safe and fulfilling holiday weekend and season. Countdown to St. Patty's day begins!!!

~~JvL

Listings with a twist

Job searching can be excruciating work. Especially when you have so many ideas running through your head.

How are we going to afford rent next month? Should we move in with our parents to save money? Aren't you glad you talked me out of buying that terrible little Condo in the bad part of town?

Well I took a break this afternoon and came across some of the old house listings I had been reading. They inspired this post.

The setup is an email from a real-estate agent to super-villains. Enjoy!!

_______________________________________________________

From: “Faux & Foe Realty Solutions” sonotreal@F&FRealty.com

To: “John Smith” THEarchvillain@twostepsahead.org

Sent: Fri, October 13, 2010 6:66 am

Subject: Possible Secondary Locations

John,

I know we’ve had a hard time getting you into suitable piece of property and I apologize for any lack of due diligence on our part. Your minions made your point of view quite clear by “redecorating” our offices so nicely. I always thought our downtown location would look infinitely better engulfed in flames.

            However I have a wonderful surprise for you. I realize you abhor surprises and will probably order my “relocation” to Miskatonic University’s medical studies lab, but I beg you to please read the following papers. They contain possible secondary locations should your primary residence become compromised by ambitious do-gooders.

Address: 1313 Cemetery Lane, Cemetery Ridge, USA

Previous Owner: Gomez and Morticia Addams

Description: Large Victorian-style mansion located on 48-55 acres of land (depending on whether the swamp has reappeared). This 27 room, 2 bathroom residence was recently re-sided with titanium alloy panels done in a faux wood finish. This feature was installed by the previous tenant after an unfortunate cannonball accident created the 27^th room and now walls are durable enough to resist the blast of a tiny to moderate nuclear bomb. Dilapidated condition masks old world charm. Comes pre-furnished with museum-quality furniture and various horrific artifacts and experiments.

Features:  

·         Haunted attic space for laboratory or Zeppelin dock.

·         Secluded personal cemetery with built in altar (Perfect for arcane and necromantic rituals).

·         Original Appliances.

·         Barren earth décor screams “Stay off my property or die.”

·         Frankenstein butler negotiable.

Address: 1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, New York USA

Previous Owner: Charles Xavier

Description: Large Edwardian style manor on sprawling 150 acre plot in upstate New York. Family home for ten generations, was recently upgraded to a school. Solid granite and limestone walls extremely durable and upgradable. Slight combat damage due to constant forced entry attempts. Cozy northeast setting with scenic views of Hudson Valley Nuclear Power Plant. Handicap accessible.

Features:

·         Hidden underground complex complete with state of the art tactical nerve center.

·         Cerebro – a telepathy-enhancing supercomputer designed to find mutants, can be upgraded to further mind control abilities.

·         Olympic size, heated,  in ground swimming pool.

·         Enhanced SR-71 Blackbird stealth airplane, speed determined by necessity to plot.

·          Shi’ar alien enhanced security system unable to be hacked by any human means.

Address: 221B Baker Street, London, UK

Previous Owners: S. Holmes, Dr. J. Watson

Description: Located centrally in downtown London. Mid-18^th Century  6 room 3 bathroom Brownstone flat outfitted with modern conveniences. Multiple exits and windows onto back alleys and thoroughfares. Busy street with large groups of tourists for “losing yourself in the crowd.” Minor damage from grenade blast in the 1890’s and bullet holes in multiple rooms. Comes pre-furnished with Victoria era furniture, extensive library and notes on criminal activity, and secret supply of cocaine. Pilgrimage site for amateur detectives and other naïve passersby.

Features:

·         Sparkling reputation as “house of good deeds” which translates to no unauthorized visits from the local police.

·         Hot and Cold running water.

·         Scientific laboratory in upstairs bedroom perfect for late night experiments.

·         Minions’ quarters on the first floor for easy access to dustbins and sewer grates.

·         Extensive notes on police procedure and theory for use in evasion and trickery.

            I understand that these properties are not inherently evil or diabolical, but think of the irony in transforming these benign buildings into halls of deceit and villainy. Please contact me in the usual manner so that I can set up a viewing of these properties. I will need at least a week’s notice so that the previous tenants can be extracted from the premises.

            Thank you for patronizing Faux & Foe realty and we hope to have our main office up and running again in the coming months.

Sincerely,

Ray T. Fink

Ray T. Fink

A Return to Form

Laziness had swallowed me whole and my 9-5 job took away my need to express myself poorly.

At last I have shed myself of that horrid monetary necessity. Therefore, new posts will be forthcoming in the coming days and weeks both chronicling the comedy of errors that is job searching, and also providing a place for creativity to flourish.

Currently I am watching a documentary on how Beer is the invention of man that inspired every other invention in human kind. This is a definite skewed documentary, but that probably is because I'm three beers in myself playing the "How many times can the narrator say the word 'BEER' drinking game."

This may have been a bad idea.